used

being used is a funny thing.

in a few past relationships i have been in, i have been used. when it is convenient for other people, they are the best of friends. when they are experiencing pain, they ask for my help. when they have nothing better to do, they ask to hang out, to just talk. occasionally they will tell me how much they miss me, then they forget me within the next day. other people they invest their time in, are fleeting, so they come back to me. and i am still here them..

this exposes my humanness (if that is even a word?)... My feelings are hurt everytime this happens to me, and everytime it happens i think to myself, "Becca, guard your heart, just don't be available the next time it's convenient for them or when they are in need... then they will know you aren't a doormat." At some points, every ounce of my being wants so badly to go through with that thought. Unfortunately, or i guess fortunately, i have never followed through with my thoughts. When they come to me when in pain or with a problem i'm still here, just to be used once again. I can't back down on a friendship i thought i once had. I feel obligated to be there for that person no matter how they treat me.

When i was thinking about this last night, I realized that up until a while back, i treated my God in the same fickle way. This hurts my heart more than anything, because i now know how it feels to be treated this way. To think that i gave my Savior the same feelings that i am experiencing now, makes me sick. I came to Him with problems when they came, and when I didn't have anything 'better' to do, I would delve into the Bible.

What is amazing and truly gives me strength is the fact that my God was there with open arms everytime i came back to Him, as fickle as it may have been. There wasn't one time that my Father in Heaven said, "Sorry Becca, you told me you really missed me and that you were going to spend more time with me... and you didn't.. I can't be friends with you any longer.." He was always glad that I came back when i did.

This inspires me to emulate Jesus with my experiences; i will be here when its convenient for my friends. This also fuels my heart to never be fickle with my God again.