i don't care.

This weekend was pretty awesome and i realized a lot about myself. My camp counselor from my first year as a questie at sky ranch, Summer, who i love dearly, came into town and visited. We had a great time laughing and catching up. We did a lot of fun stuff in downtown dallas and the shops at legacy, but it comes down to the talks we had that really made her visit even better. I am an only child, and as weird as it may sound, she feels like an older sister that i never had. She challenged me to answer tough questions that i have been avoiding. She interrogated me about my boyfriend and had to meet him to approve. Lastly, she helped me realize how much i have declined in my faith walk. While answering her questions, we both were sad about my lack of drive and desire to pursue my relationship further with the only guy that matters. i reassured her that the drive and desire will come full circle and be back stronger than ever, atleast that is what i have been telling myself. She said, "but what if it doesn't?" and that scared the crap out of me. what if it doesn't? am i just going to sit here and wait for it to come back around? sadly, my answer was and is yes. I met with my youth minister today and had a discussion about this. Today i realized a huge problem. The ONLY things i care about in life right now, are my relationships with people. Everything else in life i am apathetic towards. i. don't. care. I made a connection. Without God being present in the majority of my thoughts, actions, and decisions, i am not living. i am just going through the motions of life, and it sucks. without my Passion, i have no other passions for anything else. i would give anything to have my passionate life back. if i would, why am i not jumping at the bits to pick up the pieces of my broken life and put it back together? who knows. i have committed myself to this everlasting relationship and i am standing up my Lord day after day. it hurts, but then again, i dont really care.
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junior year

so its been a while since my last post. i'm a quarter way done with my junior year. new school, new boyfriend, new friends, new experiences, and a new attitude. isn't it funny how a short amount of time like 5 months can change a person so much, or how a person can change in 5 months. isn't it funny how priorities and standards once upheld with unbounding strength can be dropped 'lyke its hott' in a second? is this growing up? is this immaturity? its typical, sure. in ap-psych we were talking about the subconscious mind. is what we truly want in life somewhere embedded in this mysterious space? is a fog of teenage immaturities clouding this in our conscious mind? will the fog clear in time for real world decisions to be made adequately? what if the fog doesn't clear in time for decisions not of this world. will my fog be hovering over my head when i am before my Savior? He will ask why i made these decisions i bet. will i blame it on fog over my subconscious mind? no. that is lame. what will i blame it on? why cant i just move out of this heavy fog to let the sun shine through? maybe it is because i thought that my faith was invincible. i thought it would never change no matter what was thrown at me. i feel as though my maturity has dropped to an embarrassing low. a "mature" christian doesn't even get near the fog. and how do you know when your subconcious is truly sorry? i say i'm sorry all the time to my God. i would like to think that i am TRULY sorry every time. but am i? but then again, embedded in my subconcious is that of Truth and Love. i lack the feelings of embarrassment or regret during the course of my day and more sadly in front of my King. i KNOW what i should be feeling because i once did. i KNOW what i should be thinking because i once did. and i KNOW what i did to feel and think those things, but WHY am i not doing those things? doesn't the outcome's advantages outweigh the disadvantages by about 34095 million tons? i guess that goes along with not being able to take the future into account into your present actions. so i guess after that long mess of random thoughts and nonsense, it comes down to me being immature.

<3333becca